I Am Perfect

One of the hardest things I have had to come to terms with in the last few years is the fact that I am neurodivergent. I spent most of high school and college believing that my mental health issues were just a reflection of the place I was in life. I thought that once I got out of school and got more control in my life that I would be able to get out of the bad place I was in mentally. Unfortunately though, when it finally happened and I was living on my own with a good job I found I was still struggling. I couldn't understand why the things that came so naturally to other people were such a battle for me. I spent years hating myself thinking I was a lazy, unmotivated, waste of a person who couldn't even do a simple thing like living and working.

What I came to find out after many years of struggling is that my issues were not because I am a horrible person. My issues came from an undiagnosed neurodevelopmental disorder - autism. I am autistic. Finding this out three years ago was a double edged sword. On the one hand I realized that all of my struggles (difficulty holding a job, difficulty keeping friends, unable to manage work/life balance, rejection sensitivity, depression, OCD) were not just me being lazy and lacking self control. My struggles were real and valid problems that almost all women with autism face. It was not all in my head and I am not a terrible person when I have to fight to achieve things that others do without a second thought. My brain is not wired the way a neurotypical person's brain is and therefore I am not always able to do the same things as neurotypical people. Knowing this is a relief, but on the other hand I am also faced with the reality that these struggles are never going away. There is nothing I can do that will ever make my brain work normally and there will never be a single moment in my life that I don't have to fight a war with my own brain.

Honestly it has been difficult these past few years coming to terms with this. I am glad that I now know about myself and why I struggle. I have been able to find resources for people with autism that have helped me some in improving my depression and productivity and I am grateful at how much progress I have made since learning I am autistic. However, I would be lying if I said I never had days where I just wish I could be normal. I would give anything to be able to wake up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, work on a craft project for a bit, and then go to bed. That's not how my brain works though. It never will be. I could write a whole book about the difficulty of accepting that I am autistic and what my life looks like as woman living with autism - and maybe someday I will - but that is not really what I opened my laptop today to write about.

I am writing today to talk about one small little breakthrough I had today. I started a new devotional this morning called "Strong, Brave, Loved: Empowering Reminders of Who You Really Are" by Holley Gerth. The very first lesson in the book really struck me hard. It asked me to complete the sentence "God says I am . . . " and I found I had a very quick and easy answer to that question. Here is what I wrote:

"God says I am perfect - I am exactly as I am meant to be. I may have flaws, but God gave me those flaws for a reason. They are not flaws to Him, they are features. He equipped me with these features so that I would be perfectly designed to live the life and fulfill the purpose he created me for. I will not look at myself as a broken and flawed person - I am not. I am perfect. I am strong. I am loved. I am blessed. I am capable. I am a creation of God and I am exactly as I am meant to be."

I have spent my fair share of time crying and wondering why I was born with autism. Why did I have to be born broken and flawed. It just hit me today when I was reading that devotional that I am not flawed. God did not make a mistake when he created me. He is not the professor from the Power Puff Girls - He didn't accidentally spill something in his lab and mess me up. He created every single speck of me with intention. He put me together exactly as He wanted me to be, exactly as I am supposed to be, and he did so without error. Being born with autism was not a flaw, it was an intentional design choice - a feature God gave me specifically so that I could complete the purpose that He created me for.

I wasn't sure when I started this blog if I wanted to talk about being autistic or if I wanted to hide that fact. I was leaning toward hiding it. I have talked in some previous posts about my mental health struggles, but I have been intentionally framing them in a way that I didn't have to specifically say that I am autistic. I realized today though that I have no reason to hide this about myself. Having autism is a large part of what makes me the person that I am - and I am exactly the person that God made me to be. Why should I hide or feel ashamed of that?

Acceptance is still an ongoing process. I know I will still have days that I would give anything to not be autistic. I hope that as time goes on though those days will become few and far between. Learning to accept God's love for you is also learning to love yourself exactly as God created you. I am choosing today to accept one very simple truth - I am perfect.